Killer virgin...

Commercial TV has announced a new focus for 2011. John Doe reports.

“Our growth has been phenomenal over the past year,” says Brent Doss, Commercial TV MD. “Our hard hitting news, socially focused documentaries and the pick of old US sitcoms and movies have clearly delivered what the public wants, and now we’re looking to build on this growth. Consequently, our programming will be moving heavily towards smut as the year progress.”

Commercial TV recently signed a deal with an American media company to buy C and D grade soft porn movies in bulk. The deal will give Commercial TV significant leverage in terms of capital expenditure, according to Doss.

“Look, they’re not great movies by any stretch of the imagination, but the ‘boob count’ is really high, and they’re dirt cheap. These are important value factors when it comes to bulk purchasing.”

Included in the Commercial TV purchase are some better known soft porn titles, including Sex Bombs (I- IV) and Killer Virgins. These flagship titles will be shown in Commercial TV’s prime time late night slots.

The bulk of Commercial TV’s soft porn purchase will be screened during ‘teleshopping time’, marking a clear shift in the station’s programming policy.

“Teleshopping is very viable, fiscally speaking,” says Doss. “But really the content is morally repugnant – and our brand has suffered as a result. Our research indicates that ex-consumer journalists demonstrating carrot peelers is proving increasingly offensive to our late night viewers – hence the move to smut.”

According to industry pundits, Commercial TV’s soft porn purchase (which is rumoured to include over 250 movies) will broaden the station’s already comprehensive offering.

“I think it’s a snappy move,” says Tomlin Harris, strategic consultant at CBA Ford Smith Jones and Broadbent. “There is a risk that some viewers might find a barrage of bad soft porn offensive, but it’s probably worth the risk.”

According to Harris, recent media research indicates that most sensitive viewers are fast asleep by 2:30 in the morning anyway.

“The move opens the door for Commercial TV to target kids under 25, drug fiends, sex addicts and insomniacs – to name a few,” Harris adds. “These market segments form a significant percentage of television viewers, with no known brand loyalty. The opportunity for Commercial TV to gain viewers is thus significant.”

Commercial TV will launch its ‘Sextravaganza’ on Christmas Eve, with a premier screening of Killer Virgins.

See local press for details.

– John Doe has enjoyed a long career as an executive assistant, working with a variety of major global brands in a clerical capacity. Long famed in the corporate sector for his legendary dictation skills, Doe has also gained acclaim for his incisive media journalism. Although queries have been raised as to the veracity of some of his information, Doe is adamant that he simply reports on media issues that he comes into contact with – his sources remain a closely guarded secret. Doe dismisses as ‘unsubstantiated’ and ‘possibly defamatory’ allegations that he is in fact one Andrew Miller of Unity Design.


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