Mthatha city councillor Golden Magrede has announced that the city is preparing a bid to liberate the Loerie Awards, an annual advertising award backslap, held hostage by the City of Cape Town these past several years.

“It’s time South African advertising plucks its head out of the Madam’s backside,” said Magrede, in an apparent reference to Western Cape Premier Helen Zille. “This is a thriving city, part of the beating heart of Africa, and we believe it is in the best interest of the South African advertising industry to come here and rediscover its roots in our fertile soil.”

“We also produce great weed in vast quantities,” says Magrede, “I heard Cape Town ran out of blow this year. That stuff is bad news – the trend is towards organic products – another point ad execs need to consider when they look at our bid.”

Magrede also offered to put together ‘connected BEE deals’ that would ‘save the industry from over-regulation.’ Magrede says she and her fellow councillors have identified Advertising “as having better potential for short term returns” than the mining industry.

“There’s no more money in mining with all the wild-cat strikes happening, the comrades need to shift focus to new industries with short term potential, said Magrede.

Creative Director Stoffel Braaksel endorsed the possible move to Mthatha by saying “I have a swivel chair. Viva creativity viva!” It’s unclear whether the swivel chair in question was part of a “perfectly legal incentive to support Mthata’s bid” as claimed by Magrede.

Magrede rejected claims infrastructure and services have “completely collapsed” or that the Mthatha River has been turned into a giant snaking turd thanks to the town’s overflowing sewers.

Magrede blamed third force activities for the state of affairs, as well as the liberal white-owned media and sabotage by UK trained agents of the DA.

It is believed the Loeries board might well be swayed by Mthata’s bid. Says one insider “Few journalists could afford jetting into Mthatha Airport which suits us fine.” It’s believed the SABC has already been approached to launch a 24 hour news channel dedicated to broadcasting the event lasting two days and nights. The Mthatha city council also offered to request funds from Treasury for a bunker “for the president of the Loeries.”

“Mthatha could solve a lot of problems for us,” said the Loeries insider, “and their deputy mayor is unlikely to pitch for the opening speeches, so there will be nobody delegates could potential boo/clap off the stage.”

* MarkLives would like to officially endorse Mthata’s bid to host the Loerie Awards from 2015 onwards. We deny any insinuation that swivel chairs and weed played a role in this purely independent editorial decision. We also deny claims by enemies of the creative industry that Magrede, Momoney, Frontall & Associates are negotiating to acquire a stake in MarkLives. MarkLives expects to soon become a ‘preferred content partner’ for tenders and pitches placed by the Mthatha city council. Viva creative accounting ity viva!

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